


A Rope To Throw

by Flaffs_Multiversal_Mindsoup



Series: A Way Or Two To Fall In Love, [2]
Category: Hilda (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bartell is good boyfriend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Beta, Sorry it took so long, Sweet, Sweet Ending, Torn on the rating, also slightly edited, bit longer than my normal fics, but also not dying because of time stuff, decided against it though, finally fixed the italicizing issue, however there is one (1) undertale reference, if I think of anything I'll add it, it's just really heavy stuff that I think about a lot, lot's of existentialism and stuff, mentions of cannonical death, my page randomly reloaded and I lost all my tags I'm to tired for this, my specialty :), no beta we die like alberg not dying of bells, nobody dies or anything, not by much though, oof this has a lot of damage, tell me if I should change it, the fifty year night, the pets appear only to help Alfur in calling his boyfriend, wanted to drop a floor gang reference, welcome to 'Flaff figured out how to use italicize and proceeded to NOT use it sparingly'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28625943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flaffs_Multiversal_Mindsoup/pseuds/Flaffs_Multiversal_Mindsoup
Summary: Spiraling into existentialism after "The Fifty Year Night" , Alfur does what he can to stay afloat in his own sanity.OrDid any of you guysreallythink Alfur (and Hilda) would be ok after the whole Time Worm 'adventure'?
Relationships: Alfur & Bartell, Alfur/Bartell
Series: A Way Or Two To Fall In Love, [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098890
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	A Rope To Throw

**Author's Note:**

> Alfur has a crisis because no one thought to ask him if he needed therapy after "The Fifty Year Night"
> 
> [Alfur POV]

"And, all things considered, it didn't work out _too_ badly."

I pause for a second, trying to comprehend what Hilda actually just said. _It didn't work out so bad??_

"We saw ourselves die... Twice!" I exclaimed in surprise. 

Hilda rolled her eyes and sat up. "It's just the part of being an adventurer!" I sighed.

Sometimes it really was astonishing how she brushed most things off as just "the life of an adventurer". I'm concerned for her, really.

We chat for a bit, with me asking the most questions to fill in both sides of today's story. Satisfied with the quality of my info, I bid Hilda a goodnight to start finalizing my report.

I open the clockhouse door, greeting Peppercorn on my way in. She follows me around as I travel the house, picking up various books and pens to cross reference and cross reference some more. I end at my desk, pulling the chair from underneath and sitting down.

Tirelessly working on the fully fleshed out report —Peppercorn joining me by sitting on my shoulders at some point, I'm unable to recall— something continuously draws my attention.

At first it's a feeling, a nag. A useless thought crowding among the many others in my head. But, as the night grows and stretches, it hardly loses attention from me.

That is until I can finally pin down the feeling. With an exact certainty I sit back in my desk, slightly unwilling to acknowledge the weight settling in my shoulders (other than one adorable Nitten).

 _I died. I actually died there. Twice! And I'm still alive to witness the world. I'm still alive to wonder what would have happened if... If it was_ me _that didn't survive the Time Worm. I can still wonder what happened to the 'me' that wasn't so lucky. And..._

_Am I the real me?_

I try to shake that thought from my head, berating myself and forcing my mind to focus. But it's not that simple. I can't just escape from this particular adventure by telling myself it's all good fun, and everything worked out in the end. 

I stare blankly for a second, at the words on the papers in front of me. There's ripped notebook page that snags my eyes. A hastily sketched timeline map that the other 'me' gave to me for study. 

I pick it up, studying the messy notes from a rushed explination. It's me. It's my handwriting through and through, but I don't ever remember writing this. 

I won't know everything I've wrote. I won't know everything I've said and everything I've ever tried to remember in those few heart-racing hours.

I push the chair out, scrambling to get up. I distantly hear Peppercorn meow in protest of incautiously being moved. My legs fail to work right, collapsing under my sudden futzing about.

Getting up from the floor, I back into one of my notebook walls, scanning the room in sudden paranoia of being eaten alive. " _What if the Time Worm comes back?_ " reasoned my mind. " _What if it finally realizes that you're the true fake? That you aren't the_ real? _Alfur?_ " I felt like the world was going to spontaneously combust, having the same thoughts circle into a worn track in my mind.

A soft touch against my legs, as Peppercorn tries to comfort me. I snap back to reality, looking around my room to see the same surroundings I've been living with for almost a year.

"I really need a break from thinking about all this time nonsense." Sighing and picking up Peppercorn, I peaked out of the door. Seeing as Hilda was asleep, I pushed the rest of the door open and glanced around. 

Something caught my eye, on Hilda's bedside table. I gently set the Nitten down and quietly hopped down from my self. Reaching my goal, I pocketed the small sheet of paper that was sitting in the silvery moonlight.

How did Hilda have Elf Mail? 

Nevertheless, an idea popped into my head, and I vowed to get Hilda some new Elf Mail in the morning. I climbed the string of lights, hoping that I could solve this issue instead of worrying about it all the time.  
______

With the Elf Mail signed and stamped, I was ready to deliver it.

_Wait..._

I forgot that the couriers don't run this late, much less close to the house. I mentally slapped myself for forgetting such a crucial detail. Pacing around for a bit, I finally found a solution.

I ran to Twig, quickly shaking him awake and explaining my plan. "I just need you to run to the crack in the wall, where the southern bell tower is."

He nodded drowsily, and I apologized profusely for waking him up to do errands. Pushing open Hilda's window a crack, I watched solemnly as the Deerfox slipped through and ran into the city.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” I muttered quietly, unable figure out what to think, “Am I real? Is this real?” Saying as I gestured wildly around, Hilda’s room was quiet, deafeningly so. 

“...” 

Quietly under my breath, I whispered in an awful sob-filled tone that cracked my throat. “Will anything ever be normal again?”

Of course, the silence gave no answer.

Although I still tried to reason with himself, to tell myself that it was real, that _I_ was real. And that I was just being paranoid and over exaggerating. It was a long and torturous spiral into self hatred and loathing and trying to crawl out of this ever yawning abyss with only my hands. 

I didn’t wake Hilda, even though it was seriously temptingly. But I couldn't burden her with that, especially because (and it may not seem like it) _I'm_ the adult in the situation.

All I wished was to talk with someone, to get my head straight. What I desperately needed most was someone to suddenly toss a rope into my hands, steady and warm.

But nobody came... 

That is until a certain pigeon pecked at the window with a deer-fox who was panting heavily. My head whipped around towards the sound, tear tracks staining my face. I touched them instinctively, _When had I started crying?_

The taller elf that I had sent for stepped off his steed immediately after seeing what a mess I was. Still on the windowsill, I hugged Bartell with all that I had left in me. (Although, sadly, I only reached up to his chest.)

"Alfur-! What happened? You wrote that you would explain better in person but you... You..." He couldn't continue, seeing as with every word that he said made me break even more.

He reached down and wiped my eyes, planting a kiss on my forehead. I quietly took his hand, leading Bartell into my house.

He stares around at the amount of notebooks stacked against my walls, covering most of them. 

I dig around and hand him my most recent journal, open to the time graph. It details my experience and some of my thoughts that I unknowing mixed in. I didn't know how else to tell him, unsure of how I could begin without another wave of tears.

I hear the elf gasp sharply, where must've read the paragraph about seeing myself die. I involuntarily shuffle my feet, not knowing whether to cry because of my situation or show a love-smitten smile because Bartell was here and he could help fix things.

In the end, I did neither. Biding my time for Bartell to finish and wrestling with my emotions enough to get a couple words past the lump in my throat.

"I'm... I'm scared Bartell. I can't figure out if this is the real me, or if I'll ever be able to live with myself again. _For_ myself again, even." My tone turned slightly bitter at the end. I was tired of trying to escape, and I just wanted some reassurance that I couldn't give myself.

The notebook clattered to the ground with a loud _bang!_ , shattering the silence. My boyfriend rushed to me, picking me up in one swift motion and setting both of us down on the rug in my room. 

He set me across from him, holding my cold hands in his. I looked up at him, feeling a new wave of tears arise from his care for me and my confusion.

"Alfur, I- I had no idea." I nod sadly, resigned. Bartell thinks for a moment before launching into a comfort spiel.

"The most important thing for you to know, is that you may never know if the world could crumble away at any moment. But that's how it's always been, we may die at any second after all. But that's not why the clock ticks."

He pulled me into a hug, holding me close as I cried into his shoulder. "We continue moving to live, we march on to experience and love and feel a comforting touch from someone close. And Alfur..."

Bartell pulled away to hold my hands close to his chest, looking me in the eyes as his own tears joined the mix.

"That's why my world turns. Because of you, and the clan, and even Hilda. We live for each other and everyone we know, hell- even everyone we've ever met in our lives. We are connected and some stupid worm can't just take that away!"

I smiled slightly at him, feeling his words take heart. "That worm can't kill the _real_ you, and the _real_ Alfur sitting right in front of me."

I laughed, finding his kindness infectious, my voice hurt and my throat cried out in pain, but I laughed the awful sad laugh that many have heard before. 

My heart may have broken a little bit because of that, because the pain was still there. But it also healed a whole heaping more. It's not gone, just... Bandaged and tended to.

"I love you Bartell, thank you." I brought our foreheads together, wiping tears like he had done for me not to long ago.

"I love you Alfur, and nothing could ever change that." He had thrown me that steady rope, calling for my name at the edge of the abyss' precipice.

I'll be scarred with this knowledge forever, I _died_ and nothing can change that. But... I have a family that'll help every step of the way. 

And that, makes all the difference.

**Author's Note:**

> So a little bit of Self Inflicted Achromatic, a scrap more Undertale angst, a very tiny piece of Full Metal Alchemist, and a whole lot Outer Wilds and existentialism. 
> 
> Man all these years in the Undertale fandom sure has paid off... Right??
> 
> [Edit]  
> Finally had enough energy to fix the italicizing mess >.>''
> 
> Sorry it took so long! I hope that it won't happen again because I've finally figured out how the basics of html work.


End file.
